7/17/91- Relief, Shame, Pain

                                                    7/17/91
                                             La Coruna,Spain
 
                     Relief,Shame,Pain
 
 
         Every day I grow a little
         More old,willing,thankful...in a way
         My hand opens,releasing hold
         Sun returning,warming,running up my fingers;
         Sometimes the fear prevents me from feeling
         It's touch
         A denial of moments past
         Freedom.
 
         Not asked for,never realizing how the struggle
         Would someday be so hard
         My trying to skip the golden time
         As if I did not deserve the time to grow
         Or feel
         Or wonder
         Which rituals better judged than experienced.
 
         A little head filled with non-stop sounds
         Wanting to mute the sad and wonderful music
         That filled each day
         Never could I picture the success
         At which the silence blanketed that meadow
         That now I wrestle every peep through layers
          Masoned by my own unscarred hand.
 
         And yet I can feel and act now
         My mind saying you are born,now grow
         My heart wanting to return
         Revise,rewrite,relive the little history
         That I claim and call my own
         Only breezes of the mind
         That blew then visit where I am
         I travel perhaps hoping that those days
         Sit waiting for a second view
         The air could be tainted by time
         But a trigger all the same;
         Moments of initiation shaping this vessel
 
        That I now proudly hand the tiller of away
         Then grab it back whenever
         The Water's black or blue..
 
         Maybe now will come a time
         When I can bare myself
         Without the shame that binds me
         To feel the radiance touch through
         The sweat, selfless appreciation
         Perhaps the pain of having too much
         Of letting go things familiar
         My hand richer for being empty
         For what can you pick up
         If both of your hands are full?