How do I deal with these things?
Not well, I’m afraid
Before I pulled up my comfortable roots
And moved to bigger and better things
I could go unnoticed, hide in a canyon
Pop out for an hour and be all smiles
Then return to my hole, abuse my phone
Dialing the same numbers over and over again
Or play the game of staring at it or pretending
To ignore it

My work, my “career”, has no net;
I have had gamblers runs of years
Without sleep, jobs abutting and overlapping
Then there are the gaps…oh, they feel like chasms,
Where the best efforts of my life fall
Into the dark space below,
Counting for nothing, all for nothing
My head plays a symphony full of movements

“I don’t know what I’m doing”
“They all lied when they said I did a good job”
“I’ll never work again”
“There’s a cardboard box with my name on it”
“Aim low, shoot low”
“I wonder what a real job is like”…

Only now I have an audience and responsibilities
The best audience I’ve ever had
And still, I can make it a tough room

Is it the nature of the beast?
Part of the baggage my warped mind is burdened with?
I work hard to let it go
And get broad sided by the fear

This time the calls come
And the courage is used to say no
I wonder if I am crazy or lazy
Picky in my old age
In following my heart, honest to a fault

I betray my bankbook, never before
The question of what my integrity brings me
Remains unanswered for now
Perhaps the testing of faith is it’s own reward

I am so grateful for my life
The changes, the challenges, the opportunities
The travels, the people and yes, the fear
Because without it, I wouldn’t be here
And here is a great place to be;
The work will come; perhaps the question should be

What am I doing with the time off I now have…